judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
smartest karate player in the world
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Employees must applaud the planets.
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi