judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
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There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Dads are never closer to their pioneer heritage than when they are seeking out a spot for their family at the beach.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.