JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
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ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Straight people are cancelled
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Darth Vader: Luke, I am your father
Luke: really?
Darth Vader: yeah. Why?
Luke: you have the voice of a heavyset black guy is all
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
man found with dozens of heads in his trunk during routine traffic stop
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.