JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
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NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
Festival
Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?
Me: No, thank you.
PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!
Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.
This will never not be funny 😭
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Them: There are no stupid questions
Me: Is Dakota Johnson supposed to be North or South?
Them: There is one stupid question
i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Google assistant rules
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
jesus, what did this guy do
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
lmao😭🤣
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
me, flirting: did it hurt?
her: what
me: when you fell from the ugly tree and landed on your face
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I’ve got lots of frenemies. That’s what I call French people who are my enemies.
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
There’s always that creepy couple inviting people to come over and sit in their hot tub…by the way, what are you doing tonight?
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure