Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.

Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry

LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay over

LETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛

goldiesglobe

[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?

I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

I identify as an antique shop.

Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia

OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.

– My clothes.

god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety

me: this hotel is $100 per night?

clerk: that’s right

me: how much for just one room

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap