Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

boba fett is short for robert fettuccine

These are the questions people should be asking. 🤣

Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”

Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.

Me: pretty much any name can be unisex

My son Stephanie: I hate you dad

[At the job interview]

“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”

“Would that be for the whole time?”

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.

WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?

me: no

*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.

I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.

i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.

the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

How to tell if your wife is mad at you

1. She is

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!

If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive

As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying