Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth

When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Handing over my ID at the post office.

The clerk said “You’ve aged quite a bit since this photo was taken.”

I said “Yes, I had it taken just before I joined this queue.”

Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl

He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.

I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.

shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM

Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop

Me: I have a lot of work to do.

Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait

“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.

jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”

This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021

So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?

It’s not like I knew my fly was open!

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

[3rd date]
Kate: You wanna come back to mine for coffee?
Ian: Sure!
Kate: Have you got any condoms?
Ian: Do you not know how to make coffee?

where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?

“losing/taking virginity”

– turns sex into an object
– places pressure on the decision
– you don’t actually lose or take anything ?

“sexual debut”

– exciting
– all focus is on u
– suggests a musical number is involved

Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now

The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names