Judge: *whispering* pls stop introducing yourself like this just because u work in my chambers it doesn’t m-

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An eskimo sitting in a kayak was chilly. He lit a fire. Unsurprisingly the kayak sank. Moral: You can’t have your kayak and heat it too.


Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.


“Look at me! I’m a ninja!” – 4yo not getting the whole ninja concept yet.


*Opens fridge

*Sees chocolate bar with a note “please don’t eat me”.

*Eats chocolate bar

Now who would want to eat a piece of paper?


*Opening presents

1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!

2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!


“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.


Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.


ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME: Or you’ll what?


When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.


When I wrote “Spiritual” on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch ‘Ghostbusters’.