Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
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*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Hobbies Include:
Washing and drying clothes with tissues in the pockets.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
🎶…we didn’t start the fire🎵
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet