Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[loud knocking]

“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”

Me: Prove it.

“HOW?”

Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?

High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.

[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.

It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them

Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?

Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.

Friend: Sounds awful.

Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.

Friend:

Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.

[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder

*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!

[garden]

tomato plant: how’s your summer?

pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year

tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-

ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.

I have a colonoscopy today. Yesterday, I started my prep. Haven’t ate anything in over 24 hours and drank all the laxative. It’s been a long 24 hours so far of just hanging out in my bathroom.

Just checked my phone and realized my colonoscopy is actually July 12th and not June 12th…..

I hate myself

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Vitamins aren’t real. There’s no way I’m getting the same shit from lettuce, the sun, and a Monster energy drink

There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.

My husband is great with playing games with them.

I’m good at taking them outside to play.

And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off

My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.

Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.

My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

[drive thru window]

toddler: can I say hi?

me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*

toddler: two milkshakes please

Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”

Times are tough, wanna go halfsies on this demon with me?