judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
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A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
I have what CNN is calling ‘snow fatigue’ symptoms include:
Being tired of winter
A sudden desire for spring
Thoughts of murderous rage
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
every. time.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
9yo: Did you know that long, long ago. Like, really long ago, it took computers MINUTES to connect to the internet. Like actual MINUTES.
Me: Yeah… I knew that.
9yo: Of course you did because you like history.
Me: Go away now.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!