Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.

Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.

I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.

SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong

I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.

Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.

5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.

He didn’t hiccup.

He didn’t fake-hiccup.

He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.

“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS

You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her

One of the meatballs
I made rolls off his plate bounces off the floor and back onto the plate

Me: that wasn’t even close to five seconds…you can still eat that

That eye roll….

I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids

Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”

Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.

Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.

Can’t, The Thundercats need me.

I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.

Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.