Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Frog purse.

boss: u should’ve been here at 9

me: why what happened at 9

Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

being an artist is crazy because you’ll have one friend who just won a Tony, one friend who’s finally juuuust making enough to quit their day job & one friend who’s like “so my new side hustle is birthday party clown”

My swear jar is having a very profitable week.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.

Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.

I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.

If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem

And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar

say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls

Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression

I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!

#alternative

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

[does ten push ups] I am a weapon

There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise

My body: You’re hungry

Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness

Body: eat literally any food

Me: will I ever know peace again?

[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.

Don’t talk to me about pain, I once had to teach my boomer mother that she can rewind her tv program and kept repeating “NO it WON’T effect anyone else who is watching it, mum”

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket