Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
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Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
He-man has a Masters degree
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again