@ThugRaccoons

Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

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@difficultpatty

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.

@Xalqee

If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical

@ark506

Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.

@McGrumpenstein

CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same

@skittle624

My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?

@Exkarma

Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.

@robin_991

The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH

@chrissyteigen

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

@TheCatWhisprer

I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.