Judge: You have power of attorney?

Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?

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If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical


Dear Microsoft, If you had called it “Bang” instead of “Bing,” you’d have destroyed Google. Example: I banged Sofia Vergara last night.


CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same


My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?


Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. There’s like 10 women to each man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.


The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH


if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured


I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.