Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
![]()
You Might Also Like
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
My wife pissed me off in my dream. When I woke up and told her about it she said it was probably something I started so I ended up apologizing and bought her flowers.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
When I was in elementary school, a boy told me he liked me right before smashing his pb&j in my face, and I have been chasing that high ever since
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
![]()
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?