Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
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Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo