Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”

Toddler: I want toast

Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast

Husband: just tell her she already ate it

Me: you already ate your toast

Toddler: *eyes narrow*

Husband: you said it was yummy

Toddler: *walks away*

During my annual gynecologist visit:

Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.

Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.

Gyno:

Nurse:

Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.

Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.

I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”

So anyway, he’s my new therapist.

Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..

That’s how the fight started

If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

since there are no other vulcans on the enterprise and the crew has no comparison Spock could be and probably is bullshitting them most of the time

Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night

If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.

It’s beginning to look a lot like “everyone’s manners and driving skills have disappeared” time of year again

NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*

me: *filling up my car with gas*

guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank

me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car

I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar

HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture

CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that

*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*

My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.

Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”

Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?

Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone

Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.