Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet

2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person buy you these lovely wind chimes?

Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?

I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!

Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.

Relationship advice:

Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”

Me: “Anything?”

*drives to store*

*brings home cupcakes*

*discovers “anything” includes lying*

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.

Me: I’m having a heart attack.

BFF: you are not.

Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind

SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

I hear you like horror movies

You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off

*winks forever*

FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.

[later]

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?

Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control

When Corner House says something righteous and you just think

[first date]

“You’re not into anything weird right?”

-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*

Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.

them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.