Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?

Me: Yes

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: nice!

God: the humans are gonna love you.

Dog: why?

God: well you have a lot in common.

Dog: really? do they have updog too?

God: what’s updog?

Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.

God: yep you’re just like them.

Dog: [tail wag].

If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’

Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same

First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.

Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:

[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

thats my bad

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…