Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
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This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
When you’re tweeting something ridiculous that’s happened in the American election, please clearly mark whether it’s real or a joke.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Growing out my freckles.
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
A mockingbird, a diamond ring, a mirror, a goat, a cart and bull, and finally a dog.
If you’re trying to quiet a baby, may I recommend a pacifier and a white noise machine?
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.