Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who have a protected account but comment on tweets, I have one thing to say to you:

[eulogy]

line?

I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.

Unfair that the older I get, the clearer photo quality gets.

I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.

sounds kinky. i’m in.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*

HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.

I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.

Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?

The chicken coup is unlocked!

“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”

*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*

No, Snowball

I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

ME: *tells joke*

WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school

[later]

ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th

*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*