Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
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My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Ron is short for Aaronald
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Nothing. It’s Friday.
Boss:
Me:
Boss:
Me: I meant omg so much stuff.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound