Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
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[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick