Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
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WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
First I was a pebble..
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Boss: hey are those expense reports done yet?
[Me, frantically minimizing a Wikipedia tab on RABIES displayed on a 34″ ultrawide curved monitor]: no
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
*sewing*
A thread
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.