Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
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male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
4: Mommy, where do babies come from?
Me: Well, sweetie, when two people tolerate each other very much…
broke down and did it
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Mom: I’ve got a new boyfriend.
Me: Really?
Mom: Yes. We’re getting married in 3 days.
Me: What?!
Mom: He’s an alcoholic.
Me: I don’t think…
Mom: He likes raising blue chickens.
Me: …I can’t tell if you’re having a stroke or playing Stardew Valley.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.