Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
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I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
mission: save the cat
obstacles: the cat
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover