Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
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I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.
ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…