Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet

“Son, you suck.”

-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.

Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS

*Pillow Talk

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

10:03pm
Wife: Honey, can you put away the left over chicken before you come to bed?

Me: Sure.

11:09pm
Me, eating the last of the chicken: I feel like I’m forgetting something.

Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

Me: I’m pretty brave.

Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.

Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.

What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?

If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.

Ducks don’t talk…

seems like a niche market

My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.

Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.

[JOB INTERVIEW]

{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}

“What would you say is your biggest fault?”

San Andreas?

Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.

the gender neutral urge to point out a cow while on a road trip

I only look at Wordle for the articles

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here

Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

Math never tried to solve any of my problems.

I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor

A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages