Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.

My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school

I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.

one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on

Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”

it sucks that brainwashing is a bad thing because generally speaking the idea of washing my brain sounds so nice

*boyfriend calls girlfriend*

Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”

Gf: “we’re breaking up”

Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”

I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.

Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?

Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥

My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.

ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped

Me [double-clicking a word to select it]

Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?

Me: no, just the one word

Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?

Me: no, just that word…

Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page

No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.

I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming

her: i saw a shark walking along the beach

me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen

Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”

No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back