judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
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September is the best time of year. You can finally turn the AC off and turn the heat on at 7am and turn that off at 10am so you can open a window at noon and close those at 2pm so you can turn the AC back on until 9pm.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
is this meant to deter me
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
