JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
You Might Also Like
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Lmao
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
[6 PM]
Tween:
[7 PM]
Tween:
[8 PM]
Tween:
[9 PM]
Tween: I need a poster board for school tomorrow.
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before