Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
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Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
ACED my prostate exam!
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Glen Powell is short for Gleneth Powelltrow
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Due to circumstances beyond my control… I am at work
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.