Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
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Asked my kid to point to her spleen. Bought at least two minutes of silence while her finger wandered up and down and left in right in search of the elusive organ
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx