Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understand

But french fries, french fries understand you

I hope they boil the right one.

[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo

Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks

Him: you just offended all of Canada

What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

“I think I’m falling for you.”

-replacement skydivers

Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?

When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked

I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.

[inventing allergies]

god: make them feel like shit

angel: from what

god: outside

I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”

*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*

Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?

CAT: lol, no

Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked

My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down

Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

My wife and I eloped, but a month later we had a small party to celebrate with family and friends. Somewhere on the invitation we wrote, “bring an appetite,” which my wife’s Uncle Jerry misread as “bring an appetizer.” He showed up at the venue with a crockpot of enchiladas.

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

waiter: need help with the menu?

me: yes, what’s this word here

waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir

me: and how is that prepared

How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work

This billboard speaks to me

Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍

I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her

Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you in public.