Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.

Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.

Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?

When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.

3: Please move

Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English

3: Woof Woof

“No points, illegal kick to the face.”

“But I’m the hero of this movie.”

“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”

-The Karate Kid

Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.

The doctor said to treat my daughter’s scratch with alcohol, so I kissed it.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

Door: PULL.

Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

same but as an audience member

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.

[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale

There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.

Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.

facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once

Wife: I’m home.

Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-

Wife:

Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…

Wife: what did you do?

His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.

Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

My dad asked my mom for an experience instead of a gift for his birthday so she booked him a colonoscopy