JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
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Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Optimist: The cup is half full.
Pessimist: The cup is half empty.
Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.
Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?
Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!
One thing I miss about the pandemic is getting to rip my mask off like I just botched an appendectomy.
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
“Man did I just waste $7?”
-Vampire in the carnival Hall of Mirrors.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.