JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
I have no idea where my birth certificate or social security card are, but here are 417 receipts from Target from the past 2 years.
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
When the stylist spins you back around
someone on TikTok accused me of stealing a stand up joke and when I asked them from who? they sent me a clip of someone doing the joke and that someone was me.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained