Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

Diet day 1

I have removed all the bad food from the house.

It was delicious.

Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.

No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”

They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water

Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg

and wait.

-hospitals

If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”

Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools

I only look at Wordle for the articles

Me: Age is just a number

My body: And today you’re 85 lol

At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.

The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring

it’s not been my year

older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!

younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive

everyone:

everyone:

everyone:

older coworker: you don’t get any cake

has anyone considered that millennials aren’t aging bc those koolaid jammers and lunchables preserved us?

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol

First night as a vampire hunter: oh no

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.

Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them

I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.

I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.