Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
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You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP