Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?

“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.

my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)

Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.

Person: Do you have a license for that thing?

Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk

My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.

“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”

BRAIN: Excellent.

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals

Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.

I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life

Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*

if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed

At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!

Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.