Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
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No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
My teenage children choosing violence
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
making my dog give me my pills
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I hope this email finds you-
Waldo: *slams laptop shut* holy fuck that was close