Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of

I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.

Just seen a wild goose, think I’ll chase it. Surely this will be a fruitful endeavor

Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.

As per my last nervous breakdown

Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busy

Friend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

her: i’m leaving you
 
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
 
him: who ar- wait what

I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!

-Don’t you mean pig?

No. He tried to eat my couch!

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why

STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S

Rachel is KIND

Monica is NURTURING

Joey is CONSIDERATE

Phoebe is TALENTED

Ross

Chandler is FUNNY

I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.

We couldn’t come up with anything better than “open-face” to describe a sandwich without a top? Open-face is what happens when you encounter a bear in the woods.

My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.

So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.

ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets

ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions

CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not

ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her