Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
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Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Interview
Boss: Greatest weakness
Me: Sometimes I answer questions with 90s rap lyrics
B: Is that here on your resume
M: Whoomp, there it is
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies