@ibid78

Judge: You’re sentenced to death. You’ll be hung.
Wife from the back: HE’S ALREADY HUNG.
Me: Your Honor uncuff me so I can high five my wife

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@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

@AnkCoupleTO

Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect

@rowdyforsheriff

HER: I’m into the outdoorsy type

ME: [Trying to impress her] I dumped a body in the woods once

@LaziestCanine

Homeless man: Change please
Me: sorry dude I don’t have any money on me
Homeless man: No, change…That outfit is hideous

@ericaj1721

3 hours until I get to pretend I know how to do 6th grade math homework…..

@ninavarelas

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

@Brampersandon_

[date]
ME: ill have the fish & chips
MERMAID: are u serious?
ME: what
MERMAID: *tries to storm off but ends up just flopping around a bit*