Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.

Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?

Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication

I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”

Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?

Me: I wanted to watch it again.

Wife:

Me:

Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.

Relationship Status:

Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

*opens door*

Stop screaming!

*opens door*

What broke?!

*opens door*

Just wait until I get out there!!

~parenting from the bathroom

*angrily detangles self from wind chime*

My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.

Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips

Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!

im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it

Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

[archaeological dig]

ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here

ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot

This cat wants you to take your pills

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no

Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.

Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.

I get distracted pretty eas

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

[ Police interrogation room ]

Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.

Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.

Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.

Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.

I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old