Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
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Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
CHRISTMAS INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Buy presents.
2) Pretend you could afford it
3) Pray the apocalypse arrives before your credit card bill does.
date: [making small talk over dinner] so what are you looking for?
me: [fingering my soup] i dropped my spoon in
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.