Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.

Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.

no

Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now

drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”

If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you

WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*

Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.

me: SHARK

lifeguard: omg where

me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name

*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*

me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE

Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*

Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*

[blind date]

HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic

ME: Vincent van…go on

how high up are we talkin’?

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

ME: welcome to my man cave.

PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.

Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess

a rare painting of a porcu’melon

My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.