Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.

Me: tushy tushy!

Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

Me: *buying 50lb bag of chicken food*

Cashier: Do you have chickens?

cave of wonders: only one may enter here

aladdin: abu has to wait outside?

cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count

abu: *steals*

cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.

Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.

My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?

Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.