Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.

I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive

I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you

Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster

Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.

in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators

“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!

I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”

I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.

I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”

I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”

If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

he was correct