Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

Me:

JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay

My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.

I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—

My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???

There’s no such thing as bad press.

Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!

Wife – remember to compliment the host

[later]

Me – your wife is hot

My life coach traded me.

Husband getting dressed:

Me: Purple and green don’t go together.

Husband: It works for the Joker.

Me: My point exactly.

Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?

One time I limped into a Dairy Queen and ordered a banana split.

Employee: Crushed nuts?
Me: No, I banged up my knee.

The only equipped I am is ill.

just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”

Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk

The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]

Finally I have an excuse for getting fat, heard on radio about girl who been eating in her sleep … That’s it, I’ve got that !

Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.

Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup

Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.

It was a tragic accident.

Gone too soon.

They say your home is your castle.

But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops

Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.

Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.

Inside the heads of four JCrew models.