Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]

COP 1: give us a name

ME: big bird

COP 2: a real name

ME: millard fillmore

COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know

ME: nana

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.

For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.

GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally

I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…

It was in the non-friction section.

There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.

Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.

Boss: How was vacation?

Me: Better than this.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.

I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.

Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.

This is your brain-
*holds out egg*

This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*

they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane

I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

*lifts 10 pound weight*

Nice.

*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*

The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.

There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists

“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced

How rude of my car GPS to suggest Taco Bell as the first suggested destination, but also thanks it was helpful, that’s where I was going.