this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
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Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I’m not proud
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
For those that worship cheese..
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.