@gwatts77

Judging by how all of these ladies tweet about cucumbers I’m pretty sure size does matter because I never see them tweeting about carrots 🙁

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@BruceForce

WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD

@Holy_Mowgli

[1907. the first convenience store opens]

GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

@StarWarsProblms

Leia: This is romantic

Han: I know

Chewie: Rwwar

Leia: Does he have to be here?

Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both

@seamusmckracken

If you say to yourself, “how could this get any worse?”

I will magically appear.

@ankles_so_weak

invited to a party: will there be food?

to a wedding: will there be food?

to the gym: will there be food?

to an orgy: will there be food?

to an intervention: will there be food?

to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?

@eluna333

*gets Ouija board*

Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?

@thetobbie

Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…