Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.

One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday

#dalle2

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.

*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*

Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best

There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.

Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.

Children of the Corn Man

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”

40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.

are they though??

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.

got my wisdom teeth removed.

surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else

It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

we don’t give my son hot dogs not because they’re unhealthy, because he eats them with jelly & the judgement in public is too much

It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday

“these edibles aint shit”

me 45 minutes later:

At least try to make it slightly believable