Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself

My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever

[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”

Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.

Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

So inspired right now.

I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine

me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful

Coffee cake.

Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?

Sex steak?

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.

PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers

the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation

Seven wives and no alcohol?

No thanks Mormons.

Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?

My new work colleague went to Argentina on holiday in September. I knew instantly he and I were not going to be friends when I said to him “at that time of year, it can be bordering on Chile” and he proceeded to tell me he was okay as he’d taken a jacket.

Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”

Me:”You mean ASAP?”

Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”

[1st person to try jogging]

Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?

Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.

Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world

“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.