Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“And why did you join our gym?”

▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.

there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me

Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”

I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.

[googling]

me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]

google: it won’t stop jim

me: [please google please stop porking my wife]

google: i can give her things that you can’t

me: [we have children]

google: you sure they’re yours jim?

me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god

I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.

Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”

I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.

“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

[zombie apocalypse]

Me: *fending off my group from trying to kill me* again guys, I’m not a zombie, this is just what I look like without make up

When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.

My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.

Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.

I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.

Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?

Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.

Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-

[loud crunch noise in back of room]