Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
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[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
I’m Sold!
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
2022: I can fix it
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.