Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
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Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
im 7 sauces long
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*