Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
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neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
A spider so big you politely ask it to leave the premises & then sheepishly accept its refusal with all the dignity of a French surrender.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
I don’t regret becoming a stand-up comedian for one minute. I regret that I carried on after that first minute.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
You wish you had this many chins.
🤯🤯🤯
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick