Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
tomorrow isn’t promised, so punch that person in the face today.
Me: You always see zombies eating people but we never see them needing a poop afterwards. Where does the food go?
Therapist: Please. Just stop talking.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Me: We are underbudget this month!
Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.