Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?

Me: *making a snow angel*

Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse

I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳

I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.

Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

alien: greetings earthlings

me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language

alien: yeet us to yaass queen

me: *pinches nose* ffs

For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen

Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?

*Watching Friday the 13th VII*

GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?

Me: Yeah.

GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.

when I bought these the cashier gave me a promo code for Better Help

I’m really shy in RL.

But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.

i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries

I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy

*puts nose where it doesn’t belong

*is caught with hand in cookie jar

*loses head

*makes elbow macaroni

*gets fired by funeral home

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.