Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
I think Mark Zuckerberg could have sold the Metaverse concept about 10000x better by just walking out and saying “why watch Shrek… when you can BE Shrek”
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
Sunday
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.