Judging by the hair on my black shirts , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
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When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle