Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.

Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

*filling out preschool form*

1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.

2nd child: He knows all of the colors.

3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.

Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.

Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.

Sometimes I look at my dog and get a little jealous, wondering why nobody ever tells me I’m a good girl when I take a sh*t outside

pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”

You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent

“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”

*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*

“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.