Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.

Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.

I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.

I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks

A penguin is a bird the way a hot dog is a sandwich

Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop

Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there

watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.

[Arranging a date]

Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?

Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG

Me: where do you want to eat?

My gf, a moth: idc you decide

[arranges a candlelit dinner]

Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake

Wife: “Bad day?”

Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”

Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”

If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July

A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.

Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?

[first date]

HER: i’m really into astronomy

ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say

I’m in a very dark place right now.

Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?

You can get poptarts but you can’t get momtarts because of the pastryarchy.

Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?

me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again

My wife asked me, “How do I look?”

I said, “With your eyes.”

I almost lost mine.

me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier

mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food

[checking IMDb while watching Planet of The Apes] …oh, the zoo! That’s what I know him from!

Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.

Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine