Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
You Might Also Like
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble