Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
archers in movies and tv shows are too good. I’m watching the Olympics right now and these are the worst archers ever to appear on my television
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.