Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
📽️movie date🎞️
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
My wife is talking about the seriousness of hazardous waste and I’m eating ham (that I hid in a tricky corner of a fitted sheet while pretending to fold it) and wow it’s crazy, right?!
*slowly chews the ham*
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?