Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok