Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
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PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I love when my cat sighs at me, like what’s got you stressed out my little freeloading homicidal maniac
this is the best interaction on twitter
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now