Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
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I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
much to think about
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.