Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
some Old Testament wisdom
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU