Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

Did you know?

Baby kangaroos are called joeys because they are the enforcers for the Marsupial Mafia.

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products

We’re getting a mini moon for two months, and it’s just called “2024 PT5”. That’s a terrible name. I’m going to call it Gary.

The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.

what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.

Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.

Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.

Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees

Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.

“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”

KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when

[several hours later]

KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when

Whoever came up with “penny for your thoughts,” “don’t nickel and dime me,” and “another day another dollar” sure knew how to coin a phrase.

Happy thanksgiving!